A consortium of Western intelligence companies has issued an evaluation claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, useless, and even worse.
“Based mostly on the truth that his face appears sort of puffy and he doesn’t smile as a lot as he didn’t used to, we assess with a excessive diploma of confidence that Putin both has most cancers, coronary heart illness, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most probably some mixture of these situations; or that he’s useless and simply hasn’t realized it but; or that he died and has been changed by the fats man who pretended to be Osama Bin Laden within the CIA’s pretend confession video; or that he died and was introduced again to half-life by a secret Russian zombification course of that makes corpses stroll and speak roughly like they did after they have been alive, besides that their faces are sort of puffy they usually don’t smile as a lot as they didn’t used to after they have been alive, and, most horrifically of all, they stumble round with glazed eyes chasing folks and catching them and consuming their brains. Because the ultimate choice is probably the most vile and horrific factor we are able to consider, we assess that it’s most probably the reality: PUTIN IS A ROTTING, FESTERING ZOMBIE AND HE IS COMING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!”
The Western intelligence consortium credited the Ghost of Kiev and the Foul-Mouthed Martyrs of Snake Island with giving Putin most cancers, coronary heart illness, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, and plague, thereby killing him and forcing the Russians to zombify him: “The Ghost of Kiev, after capturing down the complete Russian Air Power, flew to Moscow at Mach 10, skimming the treetops to evade Russian air defenses, and fired a Putin-seeking fleche dart with a cocktail of pathogens from Ukraine-based US bioweapons labs. Concurrently, the foulmouthed martyrs of Snake Island, seconds earlier than they have been blown to kingdom come by Russian forces, dialed Putin’s secret mobile phone quantity and, when the Russian president answered, yelled ‘fuck you’ at him, which naturally gave Putin a coronary heart assault from which he by no means totally recovered. The mix of ailments and coronary heart issues rapidly completed Putin off, which left the Russians no choice however to zombify him.”
A Kremlin spokesperson, requested to touch upon the costs, responded that “Western intelligence” is an oxymoron, and that though someone appears to have eaten the West’s brains, it certain wasn’t Putin.