The Russian Ministry of Well being introduced Tuesday that McDonalds’ determination to go away Russia is anticipated so as to add greater than 4 years to the common Russian’s life expectancy.
Research undertaken by the College of Moscow Faculty of Well being Points and Troubles (UMSHIT) present that when the drunken buffoon Boris Yeltsin took over Russia after the CIA coup of 1991, Russian males misplaced virtually a decade of life expectancy. Initially it was thought that the looting of Russia by CIA-affiliated Zionist billionaire oligarchs had destroyed life-support techniques for meals, utilities, and different infrastructure, and that Russians had been so depressed about being dominated by an evil American-owned clown like Yeltsin that they began consuming themselves to loss of life.
However newer analysis has revealed that McDonalds additionally performed a task. “We found that the high-calorie, high-carb, addictive-chemical-drenched drek served by McDonalds was answerable for virtually half of the huge lack of life expectancy suffered by Russia after its defeat within the Chilly Struggle,” stated UMSHIT researcher Morgansky Spurlockovich. “That implies that throughout the previous three a long time, McDonalds has killed almost as many Russians as Hitler did. Expelling McDonalds from Russia will save tens of millions of Russian lives and go a great distance towards addressing our demographic deficit.”
Sources near Vladimir Putin say that Russia won’t solely ship McDonalds again to the US, but in addition covertly fund its operations there. By spending a fraction of the huge wealth Russia is incomes attributable to increased vitality costs to open much more McDonalds franchises in America, sources say, Putin will additional feminize American males, render them overweight and unable to combat, and supreme kill tens of millions of Individuals at a fraction of the price of a single 9M730 Burevestnik radioactive-tidal-wave-causing cruise missile.
In the meantime, rumors that the Russian Air Power has begun dropping Huge Macs with fries and soda on decision-making facilities in Kiev haven’t but been confirmed by official sources.